02.04
Night 1 was held in Denver, Colorado, the lovely state that introduced me to dudebro speak with words such as gnar, huck, F’bar and stunt ditch. This state also gave us Daughtry, who is the shit, yet took 4th place in season 5. Hmmmm, who won season 5, oh yes, Taylor Hicks and the Soul Patrol. How could I forget? Well in 2009 Taylor released his second, yes second album and made over $300,000, but primarily from his role as “teen angel” in the national tour of Grease. I guess that’s why I forgot. Daughtry’s sold over 4 million albums since and went on tour with Bon Jovi.
Ok so here it goes….the first singer up, Mark Labriola, was pretty impressive. Not sure why the fuck he tucked his tie into his shirt, but impressive performance nonetheless.
Early in the night they went through several displeased customers, showing them storming off crying /bitching/saying things like “American Idol blows, they don’t know talent” and “Randy Jacksons a racist fat fuck” or one of my favorites was “You have my contact info so just call or email me if you change your mind”. The last one was the kicker; the camera was chasing down a sobbing girl who was trying to get away from the camera. Unfortunately she thought she could fit between the two large planters, it was like watching a 3 year old trying to put the square peg into the circle whole. She must fly business class.
With my recent fascination of facial hair, and more specifically, the moustache, this next dude could not go without mentioning. Check out this masterpiece. What shall we call it? His boyfriend must have complained about the tickling. Is that a dick runway?
Of note, there was another girl I liked, Haeley Vaughn. I’m always hesitant on the ones that sing country in the early rounds because if they can’t do other genres they’re fucked in the later rounds. Now I’d like to do a little flash back to last season, remember Bikini Girl? Well she couldn’t sing worth shit and pissed off Kara, and rightfully so, Simon and Randy sent her through to the next round. They brought her back in one of the final episodes so Kara could get revenge by showing off her assets, pretty damn good for a 38 yr old.
So last night, we got “Bikini Guy”…doing what else but Achy Breaky Heart. Funny shit.
I also did a little checking around to see what bikini girl was up to nowadays. Looks like shes doing all black male DP porn vids in the San Fernando Valley. Keep chasing your dreams sweetheart. http://www.katrinabikinigirl.com/
Night 2 was all over the damn place, they used it to throw in all the leftovers from other cities. Which on the bright side, means the bullshit is coming to an end and Hollywood starts next week at the Kodak Theatre. After a few unmemorable contestants, another chickdude rolled in. I’m not sure if this assclown is related to the one last week, but I wouldn’t rule it out. He/she gave us the quote of the night “I am a beautiful man flower, blossoming”. I wonder if this is the same post’op pro that game my buddy a BJ in Vegas, then stole his wallet and blew a G in the gift shop. Please refer to “RR’s rules” number 1 to avoid a mistake like this of your own. A link to the rules can be found at the top of the page.
Next up, Didi Benami, she did a great rendition of Hey Jude and had a fantastic natural voice. This was one of the first contestants I’ve seen this season successfully put their own spin on a great song. This worked well the last few seasons for David Cook and Adam Lambert.
Then things got hot, after a rocky start on the vocal this chick started touching herself and then bam, vagina on primetime TV. Fuck JT, this bitch is bringing sexy back.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Does%20the%20carpet%20match%20the%20drapes%3F
So let’s say you had so much money you wiped your ass with Benjamin’s while sitting on a toilet made of blood diamonds and instead of water, you flushed with Cambodian breast milk, would you choose to wear a variety of shirts with clever words on them like Randy did last night?
Til Hollywood, Peace.
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