A fan site dedicated to the worst product from the U of M

First off I’d like to appoligize to Milton Bradley for my horseshit analysis last week. However, I cannot assure you of any improvements in this, or any subsequent weeks.

Just a quick update on the current situation (Damnit, I need to stop laughing everytime I use that word)….Down to 16, 8 guys, 8 girls. Of note, of the 8 contestants eliminated thus far, I’ve picked 5 correctly. This eye for talent is likely why the label Caspian Productions has been such a great success. Anyways, now that we are down to manageable amount of contestents Im going to rank them each week.

First with the ladies.

1. Didi Benami
2. Crytal Bowersox
3. Siobhan Mangus
4. Katelyn Epperly
5. Lilly Scott
6. Katie Stevens
7. Lacey Brown
8. Paige Miles

I hope Katie Steven doesnt go home this week, she has done really well to date but stubled last night whereas Lacey did well last night but has sucked up to this point. Paige is a layup for a pick to go home tonight. I watched it on DVR and as soon as she started singing I fast forward to Simon’s commentary. He basically said that unless you release a hot sex tape in the next 24 hours you better pack your bags. Heres clips of my top 2.

As for the guys, Its been all over the place. Andrew Garcia was a huge favorite going into the top 24 but hasnt done shit since…he tried last night with “genie in a bottle”, I give him credit for trying but it turned out to be nothing special. Another item of note, the judges were literally sobbing after Big Mike’s performance that I actaully fast forwarded through. Didn’t get it.

1. Alex Lambert
2. Casey James
3. Lee Dewyze
4. Andrew Garcia
5. Michael Lynche
6. Tim Urban
7. Aaron Kelly
8. Todrick Hall

Tim Urban sucks, usually, but did decent last night so if he doesnt go home this week, he’ll be gone next week. Here are clips from the top 2. Of note, Lambert has an ill mullet.

Canadian

Expression for black people used by whites as “code” when they want to refer to people of color in a semi-derogatory manner without being detected in a group of people.

“Damn, look at all the canadians out tonight”

So I’m at the bar and didn’t write my picks or analyze the week. So here you go, wierd week, people I liked did shitty, and people I didn’t like, did well. So shit. One item of note, Ellens dyke ass is starting to annoy me. Here’s my picks: girls: Michelle and Lacey are going home. Guys: Park, Jermaine & Urban will be among the booted. Shit.

Welcome to my newest segment! The premise is very simple, highlight clips from Comedy Central’s Tosh.0.  For those of you not familiar with the show, Tosh.0 is series hosted by comedian Daniel Tosh who provides sarcastic, racist, sexist and cynical commentary to online video clips.  Very simple, yet very humorous.  The show is currently in its second season and plays on Comedy Central at 9:30 on Wednesdays.

Gay or not gay?

Welcome to the top 24 and a new format; Tuesday night – 2 hours and each girl performs one solo performance, Wednesday night – 2 hours and each guy performs one solo performance, Thursday night – 1 hour and 2 guys and 2 girls go home. Yes 5 hours, what more could you ask for?  I’d ask for better than a 1:50 ratio of decent entertainment to horseshit.  Since 4 are going home tonight I thought I’d throw out some predictions today and then recap my favorites from the week tomorrow.  In spite of my negativity, racism and sexism, there are at least 5 out of the group that I really like.

As for the girls….nearly all of them blew huge cock on Tuesday night, huge Canadian cock, and by Canadian, I mean black.  Nearly all the performances fell into the category of shitty or forgettable.  Unfortunately, one of my favorites, Haeley Vaughn had an incredibly annoying performance and is at risk of going home tonight.  My other two picks are Janell Wheeler and Ashley Rodriguez.

I thought the guys actually did Ok last night; however, the bar was set very low by the girls so it’s tough to judge.  My predictions on the boot:  Jermaine Sellers, Tim Urban or John Park. 

In summary, I would choose to listen to drunken/concussed T$ and Dr.JBC do a duet of an Amy Grant track at the Vegas Lounge over 19 of the 24 performances this week.

Well since I usually overpromise and underdeliver, I decided to go against the grain this evening and actually make a post in a timely fashion.  Id like to appoligize for the lack of analysis last week and in return, I’d like to provide you with a spectacular image my esteemed colleague T$ sent me tonight.

Jupa? Junt?  Not sure.

So here we go….Week 6 was huge, after lots of tears and hearing “this is it for me, I am meant for this, this is all I know how to do” all night long, we were left with the top 24 at the end of the night, 12 girls and 12 guys.  To keep things simple, this week im going to provide you with my favorite guys and girls and provide a highlight from their performances to date.

Girls: The judges keep saying the girl talent this year is the best ever, I disagree but here are my five favorites in no particular order Didi Benami (a pick from week 4), Katie Stevens, Haeley Vaughn (a pick from week 4), Siobhan Magnus and Crystal Bowersox.  Since my boss here at rr.com has disabled my ability to post vids, heres a link to few noteworthly clips.  (Editor: But I’m awesome enough to embed the videos for you because you’re retarded)

Guys: Andrew Garcia & Toddrick Hall (both picks from week 3), Tyler Grady and Casey James. Heres a few clips.

Til next week.

Dear Dr. JBC & T$,

Well after rightfully getting shit on by my lovely boss here at rickrickert.com as well as my 1 or 2 fans complaining, here is a little flavor of the week with a more in depth analysis to follow.

Andrew Garcia, first brought to the forefront in my week 3 analysis, killed it on Tuesday night.  He ripped off an ill acoustic version of Paula Abdul’s Straight up.  By far by favorite contestant coming out of the week.

Just for shits, here’s the original.  We will always love you Paula.

Night 1 was held in Denver, Colorado, the lovely state that introduced me to dudebro speak with words such as gnar, huck, F’bar and stunt ditch.  This state also gave us Daughtry, who is the shit, yet took 4^th place in season 5.  Hmmmm, who won season 5, oh yes, Taylor Hicks and the Soul Patrol.  How could I forget?  Well in 2009 Taylor released his second, yes second album and made over $300,000, but primarily from his role as “teen angel” in the national tour of Grease.  I guess that’s why I forgot.  Daughtry’s sold over 4 million albums since and went on tour with Bon Jovi. 

Ok so here it goes….the first singer up, Mark Labriola, was pretty impressive.  Not sure why the fuck he tucked his tie into his shirt, but impressive performance nonetheless.

Early in the night they went through several displeased customers, showing them storming off crying /bitching/saying things like “American Idol blows, they don’t know talent” and “Randy Jacksons a racist fat fuck” or one of my favorites was “You have my contact info so just call or email me if you change your mind”.  The last one was the kicker; the camera was chasing down a sobbing girl who was trying to get away from the camera.  Unfortunately she thought she could fit between the two large planters, it was like watching a 3 year old trying to put the square peg into the circle whole.  She must fly business class.

With my recent fascination of facial hair, and more specifically, the moustache, this next dude could not go without mentioning.  Check out this masterpiece.  What shall we call it?  His boyfriend must have complained about the tickling.  Is that a dick runway? 

Of note, there was another girl I liked, Haeley Vaughn.  I’m always hesitant on the ones that sing country in the early rounds because if they can’t do other genres they’re fucked in the later rounds.  Now I’d like to do a little flash back to last season, remember Bikini Girl?  Well she couldn’t sing worth shit and pissed off Kara, and rightfully so, Simon and Randy sent her through to the next round.  They brought her back in one of the final episodes so Kara could get revenge by showing off her assets, pretty damn good for a 38 yr old. 

So last night, we got “Bikini Guy”…doing what else but Achy Breaky Heart.  Funny shit.

I also did a little checking around to see what bikini girl was up to nowadays.  Looks like shes doing all black male DP porn vids in the San Fernando Valley.  Keep chasing your dreams sweetheart. http://www.katrinabikinigirl.com/

Night 2 was all over the damn place, they used it to throw in all the leftovers from other cities.  Which on the bright side, means the bullshit is coming to an end and Hollywood starts next week at the Kodak Theatre.  After a few unmemorable contestants, another chickdude rolled in.  I’m not sure if this assclown is related to the one last week, but I wouldn’t rule it out.  He/she gave us the quote of the night “I am a beautiful man flower, blossoming”.  I wonder if this is the same post’op pro that game my buddy a BJ in Vegas, then stole his wallet and blew a G in the gift shop.  Please refer to “RR’s rules” number 1 to avoid a mistake like this of your own.  A link to the rules can be found at the top of the page. 

Next up, Didi Benami, she did a great rendition of Hey Jude and had a fantastic natural voice.  This was one of the first contestants I’ve seen this season successfully put their own spin on a great song.  This worked well the last few seasons for David Cook and Adam Lambert.

Then things got hot, after a rocky start on the vocal this chick started touching herself and then bam, vagina on primetime TV.  Fuck JT, this bitch is bringing sexy back.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Does%20the%20carpet%20match%20the%20drapes%3F

So let’s say you had so much money you wiped your ass with Benjamin’s while sitting on a toilet made of blood diamonds and instead of water, you flushed with Cambodian breast milk, would you choose to wear a variety of shirts with clever words on them like Randy did last night?

Til Hollywood, Peace.

Night 1 – Hollywood:  Another night of complete horse shit.  The show peaked with its first performer, this chickdude pictured below doing a hot Meatloaf track while sweating profusely.  If I could use two words to describe his lead in and performance, I’d go with fucking awkward.  So thanks for that AI.

From there, we got a random honky doing karate scenes on a rooftop and several Adam Lambert lookalikes.  AI was kind enough to not even give a glimpse of a real contestant the first night.  Night 2 in Hollywood could only get better, and it did.  Guest judge Katie Perry was wearing a low cut shirt and pissed off the other judges, finally some controversy.  I’ve been without Jersey Shore for 6 days now so this was much needed for my own moral. 

The bright spot of the show was this dudebro from Compton.  Look for this brother in the later rounds.

Night 1 – Dallas: Guest judge Neil Patrick Harris himself, need I say more.  From a perfect score on his SAT at six, to hanging out the sunroof of a moving car doing blow off a hookers ass, all while on shrooms and driving, both very impressive feats.

That unicorn reminds me of a comparison Daniel Tosh recently made to the world’s largest model.  A 7 foot model is like a unicorn, it’s unique, magical and probably has a dick

And so I digress……similar to the first two nights in Hollywood, Dallas was also disappointing in regard to talent.  Afterall, this is where my future ex-wife Kelly Clarkson was discovered setting the bar very, very, very high.  The show started out with a girl whos auditioned several times with no luck.  That said, she had the blilliant idea of making a sign that says “This is my year”.  Unfortunately she ran out of space at the end due to poor planning and had to cram the last few letters of her name into a few inches.  Nice work dumbass.  A national television appearance might be a decent reason for a “redo” when you’ve realized you fucked up.

Shortly after, the show got promising with a young woman that started her career on the set of Barney & Friends, little girl on the left in the pic below.   However, things got weird when she came out dressed as a full on dominatrix and began to sing the Barney theme song.  Nonetheless, she made it through to Hollywood but I can assure you will see nothing of her in the later rounds.  One might conclude that all pedophiles have moustaches, but not all men with moustaches are pedophiles.  I’m not sayin, but im just sayin that I bet Barney had a moustache under that mask.

The show finished with this guy doing a song he wrote about auditioning for the show, sounds cheesy I know, but he actually did a damn good job.  I think he has potential so look for him in Hollywood.

Til next week. Peace.

Week 1 provided us with a few talented individuals and the standard “I promise I don’t normally sound like complete shit, my allergies are acting up and I caught laryngitis this morning” contestants that the AI directors love showing in the first few weeks.  Week 2 was more of the same, except without the few talented individuals.  Unfortunately, I think this is what turns people off from the show, well that, and people like Clay Aiken.  That said, this week’s stops in Chicago and Orlando were a complete joke!  Almost as much of a joke as The Situation getting his own show on MTV, I wonder what the shows going to be called, anyone have any guesses? 

So with very little to work with for the week there was one girl that stood out, Angela Martin.  Good voice, effortless, little funk and a little Mary J vibe.  Most importantly, I remembered her at the end of the 2 hours.  Good luck in Hollywood Angela. 

Before I go any further I’d like to give a shout out to Mallorie Haley, my top pick from Week 1.  Apparently she found her way to the site and read my review which makes it nearly impossible for me to top my first week here at RR.com.  So Mallorie, if you make it back here and are reading this, any chance for an interview?  If not, no worries, but if you know Rick Rickert, any chance I could get an interview with him?  Let me know, thanks.

Ok moving on.  There was one guy this week that did a pretty cool beat box version of the Beatles Come Together.  He reminded me a lot of Blake Lewis from a few seasons back, except not as good.  After pioneering the beatbox and singing at the same time with “If your Mother Only Knew”, Rahzel makes everyone else who attempts this genre look like me trying to play Louisville Chugger in the 28^th inning, yea, real shitty.  Anyways, he was entertaining, but I don’t think he will go far.

After this, things got weird.  First, Ryan Seacrest picked up one the contestants kids while celebrating.  For liability reasons, I’ll keep my comments to myself on this one.

Then the week closed with an American Idol first.  Not only would this grenade chaser not leave after being asked by security, it took a full fledged face to ground arrest to get him out of there.  Classic.

Well there you have it; week 2 is in the books with little to show for potential season finalists.  If next week is this poor of a turnout I might start doing guest judge analysis for the weeks until we get to Hollywood.  Either that or I’ll just do a weekly column on Speidy.  Peace.

First off, I’d like to thank the man, Mr.RicketyRickert himself for giving me the opportunity join the Rickrickert.com staff.  Although I am confident this internship will provide me no professional benefit in any way, shape or form, it will provide me with a medium to express the worthless crap that I think of on a daily basis. 

To start my career here at RR.com, I decided it would be smart to fall back on a topic I know well for my first post.  Unfortunately, this left me with very few choices: Corporate Finance, Persian Rugs, Jersey Shore & American Idol.  After hours of deep thought, I decided to assume the role of official Rick Rickert 2010 American Idol Analyst.  Boom Dizzle.  So here it goes.

American Idol: Week 1

Here are some general items I would like to clear up before we get started.

1. The weeks leading up to Hollywood are worthless, yet slightly entertaining.  They consist of 3 types of contestants:
   1. Average to good singers that make it through to Hollywood
   2. Average singer, woman, 9 or a 10, fillers used by the producer to keep the guys forced by their girlfriends to watch the show every week happy
   3. Terrible/Annoying/Shitty singers whose family and friends are assholes for telling them they are the next American Idol with a straight face and then driving them to the auditions
2. It’s all about song choice.  If I sing The Hey Song they play at hockey games, my performance will likely be more tolerable than if I pick a Mariah Carey track.  So throughout the season my analysis will reflect this by probably not liking the best singer, rather liking a good singer that picks good songs.
3. I do, and will always, have a crush on Kelly Clarkson.

So Week 1 analysis will be short and to the point because we only get to see a fraction of the real contenders.  In terms of talent there was really one that sticks out in my mind, Mallorie Haley.  Consistent with my point above, average singer, good song choice (Joplin) and didn’t look like she was trying too hard.  Plus she is the hottest girl South Dakota has ever produced, which doesn’t hurt her cause.  

Besides her, there were a few noteworthy, but none too memorable that might have a chance at making it deep into the season.  However, there were a few that stood out, just not as contenders. 

Exhibit A: This guy closed the show and was great.  He performed his unreleased, self written hit, “(Lookin Like a Fool) Pants on the Ground”.  I interpreted this gem as a cry out again the youth looking like fools, with their pants on the ground.  Unfortunately no Golden Ticket was awarded due primarily to missing the age requirement by 34 years. 

Exhibit B: Dear Carmen & Laura, you both are trainwrecks.  I give you both a thumbsdown in both categories of singing and makeup application. 

Exhibit C:  Blake, you are without doubt, the shit.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t judge your performance because I was busy googling “Britney Changed My Life T-Shirt” so I could order one of my own.  Sorry, but Im sure everyone loved you.

Well that is all for now, after 2 nights of Idol, I’m ready for some fist pumping tonight.  PS. Rick, thanks for making my login password “i blow goats”.